I am not good

The LORD looks down from heaven upon the children of men,
To see if there are any who understand, who seek God.
They have all turned aside,
They have together become corrupt;
There is none who does good,
No, not one.
Psalm 14:2-3 NKJV

Having spent most of my life trying to be good, I realize over and over again the strength of the nature within me. I am not good, nor will I ever be so.

On the one hand I struggle with accepting the forgiveness of God for my raging internal thoughts - thoughts of envy, pride, self-seeking, anger, unbelief, self-hatred, etc. On the other hand, I excuse my laziness and lack of discipline, chalking it up to the fact of a sin nature and well, grace covers me, right?

What a mess! How can I possibly find the balance between grace and holiness?

In the first chapter of The Imitation of Christ, Thomas A Kempis writes,

For verily it is not deep words that make a man holy and upright; it is a good life which maketh a man dear to God. I had rather feel contrition than be skillful in the definition thereof.

I am also reminded of II Corinthians 10:18:

For not he who commends himself is approved, but whom the Lord commends. NKJV

More than anything else in my life, I desire to hear God say "Well done." I read the Word, I seek knowledge, I say all the right words as often as I can. Yet, when I neglect to do good, I feel the disastrous weight of failure. Yes, I may try to justify my actions, or excuse my sin through a quick comparison to others', but the reality, deep down, remains. I am not good.

Jesus stated in Matthew 19:17,

“Why do you call Me good? No one is good but One, that is, God. But if you want to enter into life, keep the commandments.” NKJV

No one is truly good, except for God. If I desire goodness, then I need to desire God, for only He can transform my heart and mind, conforming it to the image of Christ.

And a promise remains for this journey of seeking Him:

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. Galations 5:22-23 NKJV

Oh, may such fruit of the Spirit grow in my life!

On Becoming Famous

As I pondered what to write for my first post, I tried to come up with a brilliant idea that would grab others' attention, draw them in, and leave them, at the end, in awe of my great insight into the things of God, as well as my superior writing skills.

Nice, huh?

Especially because this blog has the focus of humility and brokenness....yeah right, Leah! Way to shoot yourself in the foot on your first attempt!

Okay, so obviously I should reconsider how I aim to fulfill that purpose here in each post. Clearly not by my own selfish attempts for attention....

I'll be honest; much of my life has focused on obtaining more knowledge in order to impress others so they might approve of me. Okay, yes, I know - it's terrible! I shouldn't be worried about pleasing others. My life should focus on God, and pleasing Him alone. The key word there, of course, being "should".

Why do I desire so much that others approve of me? I suppose it comes down to wanting to produce something of value - to make my life count for something. Thankfully God has a thing or two to say about that.

Psalm 18:19 states, "He also brought me out into a broad place; He delivered me because He delighted in me." Repeating that concept, we read in Psalm 147:11, "The Lord takes pleasure in those who fear Him, in those who hope in His mercy." (NKJV)

Above any other person in this world, my Creator made me for His own delight. Therefore, my life counts for something! I am of great value! No other person can add or take away from that value.

Anything I write here will be about my own journey in life. Yes, I want others to be blessed by the things I learn, but if no one else even reads or cares, God is pleased and delighted by my efforts. And, as James writes, "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him." (James 1:5 NKJV) Boy, do I need that wisdom!

I know it might seem odd that I am confessing all this, but the focus of this blog is humility and brokenness, right? So I'd better just put it out there - I'm in need of this brokenness more than anyone else! My pride gets in my way ALL THE TIME! I need to know humility - to know it inside and out.

Becoming a famous writer? Yeah - it'd be nice, I'll admit. But becoming broken? That's what I'm aiming for.